21/9/24 oh god oh no things are going well
oh no my first two days of college went a bit well. I was as autistic and awkward as normal but at least i was talking more and probably was feigning a bit more confidence at least... i cant stop going over things i did wrong and how bad i think i looked but im in a space now where i can kind of disregard it a bit more because i know my brains probably over fixating on it. i think thats good! I know its probably a little unheathly to feel good about masking better but i want to talk to more people, i want to learn as much as i can about the people around me and i think that might be held back by my less than great social skills sometimes. anyway my body and mind arent reacting well to this. my body is going in to full panic mode most nights, keeping me awake with stomach aches and the worst headaches ive had in a while and my mind is constantly whispering whats going to go wrong next week or next month or next year. but i think im going to ignore this as well?? i used to hold on to these things a lot, even last year i was still having pretty bad paranoia and anxiety episodes. i hope that thats comforting to someone reading,, even 6 months ago i wouldnt be able to picture being able to handle all this, but what a bit of time and a change of scenary and the people around you can do. or idk maybe tomorrow i'll start to spiral again and i'll take all of this back
hopefully next week goes well! i like my timetable and the people in my course seem nice! i was able to get over to the gym after so i'll be able to keep that up,,, anyway i have nothing else very interesting to say except that i guess. im working on a new shrine that i dont have listed again whoops! it'll probably be up by tomorrow im just finishing the writing bit
16/9/24 Website updates and stress coming in the form of watching too many movies
its been a long time since ive blogged!! ive been stressed about starting my plc course and ive been having trouble not letting that leak into what i write, as you might be able to tell from my last post,,,,, But i took a little mini holiday to cat sit for my uncle, he only lives two buses away from me but he has a big projector so it felt like a real treat! i bought loads of snacks and spent 90% of my time there watching movies and coding. I setup my selfcare page, a guestbook and I almost have a new shrine done! i need to take some photos of merch i have and finish a bit of writing then ill be done,,, i feel a little bit self concious about the very quiet guestbook but hopefully it gets a few more visitors as i keep updating the site
Anyway im starting my course on Thursday and the dread is giving me headaches i dont think it can be as bad as school was last year but we'll see. I've been watching a lot of horror movies and movies with blood and violence in general to cope with the stress... in the last week ive watched Maxxine, Saw, Jennifer's Body, Dinner in America, Dracula's Ex Girlfriend, Ready or Not, Lisa Frankenstein, Trap and Jaws. I tried to get my parents to watch evil dead with me last night too but they weren't into that idea.... Sometimes i worry about what that says about me but i have had worse coping mechanisms. hopefully ill get the shrine finished before i get too busy we'll have to see!
7/9/24 Subject:this is my site and i can be as pathetic as i want tw:drugs/weed
okay lets get this out of the way i have reached my tipping point when it comes to wanting to start smoking pot and i am sorry! nothing will come from this because i am still too socially inept to find a dealer so! but i am just reaching this point where i cannot continue rawdogging this autistic experience 24/7 i need like one day every fortnight where i can just take a break from lucidity and tune out and god i think i need some low level drugs to do this. i dont like alcohol anymore except for white claws cause they just taste of nice flavoured sparkling water and dont get me drunk but i still feel weird about sometimes so i just want THIS ONE THING THIS ONE VICE PLEASE.
i thought to cope with this id write a list of things here that id do if i was high
sit under a weighted blanket and listen to Japanese Breakfasts first two albums
watch those videos of celebrities trying different snack foods
watch really old wwe ppvs
get on a bus to go into town and get chicken nuggets
play spiderman on ps4 but just swing around
cook a really complicated meal
GO TO THE GYM GOD I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM HIGH
give my cat catnip so we can both be high
watch a lot of hivemind and smosh reddit videos
go to my local park with a portable cd player, a grimes cd and a dream
anyway might try and get an in with my next door neighbours who are dickheads a little bit but do or did smoke or just wait until i meet people in my music course
2/9/24 Subject:Bash in berlin review!
ahhh i never know how to start these but hello! ive spent the last two days just kind of listening to jbrekkie and caroline polachek, reading a bunch and going to the gym so i havent done much work on the page! i did some quality of life updates today, just some stuff to make navigating the site a little easier and made it that off-site links open up as new tabs automatically which is nice! still procrastinating on the position stickers and the cmat shrine ughhhh might do some of it tomorrow! no promises,,,, anyway i said id do a ppv review of bash in berin and i have a lot of thoughts so lets get into it! First off loved that i could watch this live without sacrificing my sleep schedule as a fan in europe! i missed the clash in the castle ppv a couple months ago so this was a nice experience
weirdly the first match of the night was cody vs kevin match?? i was so sure this was going to be the penultimate match but it was the opener? i have really mixed feelings on this match. i obviously loved seeing a big kevin owens match and it was a little less predictable than i thought it was going to be? throwing that thing about his injured knee into the mix on the smackdown before made it a bit more interesting but it still felt a little boring :/ this is still one of the more fun matches from codys title run i think but im a bit biased! i hope this match sets up a bigger kevin and cody feud in the future if kevin does turn heel... i just want them to let kevin do more stuff.. anyway i liked this match a good bit!
second match was the womens tag team match with bianca belair and jade cargill vs alba fyre and isla dawn! this one was suprisingly good! i knew bianca and jade would pull out all the stops for this match but alba and isla really suprised me! they added a lot of gravity and fun to this match and felt like really good opponents for jade and bianca! also really nice to see jade settle in more and more and show more and more depth, shes so so talented i cant wait for her to inevitably get a big title shot next year and smash it. the tag team titles are in good hands loved this match!
NOW THE CM PUNK VS DREW MACINTYRE STRAP MATCH!!! This was my most anticipated match of the night! this storyline has been so so good im biased because i love cm punk and the weird homoerotic storylines filled with this all of this sexy pain shit UGHHHHH! punk did maybe 4 go to sleeps in a row near the end i think??? very cool moment. i wish the straps were fitted a little better they slipped off multiple time and you could see drew and punk were actively making sure they didn't move too far away from eachother in case they got pulled off which felt a little bit like whats the point of having them tied to eachother then.... still they whipped eachother with the straps a bunch so that was fun! weirdly this was cm punks first win in WWE in 10 years??? weird how time passes... this felt like a good potential close to the cm punk drew mcintyre storyline! the finish of punk getting the bracelet felt really celebratory and was a good closer but also i would not mind this feud continuing!!! the dynamic has gotten me what can i say. it probably wont continue because punk is talking about going for gunthers belt and thats.... its whatever maybe it will help make gunther more interesting.
people on twitter were weirdly pissy about this match??? a lot of saying stuff like "i hate you so much im going to touch all four corners of this ring" which is a bit ugh idk disingenuous? a lot of AEW fans specifically were being so weird about this match for no reason other than "WWE bad" and "CM punk bad" which is shitty to see. being a fan of WWE and AEW can
make a person go absolutely batshit like its the trenches out here!!! both WWE fans that make fun of AEW for not selling tickets and AEW fans who act like WWE is garbage made by satan himself for dumb idiot children are both annoying as hell imo!! like theres so much good wrestling out there it should be the "omg two cakes!" image but this weird tribalistic shit is the majority of the discussion around these spaces ughhhh... anyway you could see cm punks boner for half of this match 10/10 favourite match of the night. i will rewatch again.
penultimate match was the terror twins vs judgement day mixed tag team match!!! GOD THIS MATCH WAS GOOD! all four of them are at the top of their game here in every sense. just a perfect mix of storytelling, character work and very good wrestling. rhea ripley and liv morgan especially, are just operating at a different level. this storyline is one of the best raw has had in a minute! not much to say here expect this match was expectional!!
sadly after ranting for an entire paragraph about how people complain too much about wrestling... i am about to complain a lot... yeah the gunther vs randy orton match was shit. it took them a solid 2 minutes to start wrestling because they were just standing there because they were "taking the crowd in" i do not care! do the wrestling please!! i dont care that gunther is from here so the german fans blindly support him! i just dont! the rest of the match was just so so boring even randy couldnt save it from the fact gunther doesnt really like doing anything outside of grappling and chops. i saw several AEW fans on twitter saying "this is supposed to be the best wrestler in the company?" and i was genuinely very embarrassed, ashamed even! this match left me bored out of my mind i took several bathroom breaks.
overall i really enjoyed this ppv! only one match i didnt enjoy is pretty good! next ppv is bad blood and i am so so excited,,,,, hoping it will be brutal and sexy and have a cm punk match! tomorrow is my gym off day so i might stay home and bake!
31/8/24 Subject:Coding and more coding and also bash in berlin!
Feeling better! still as erratic as usual but i've just been hyperfocusing on my page and that helps my mental health. looottts of new pages and decorations about now! i got really excited last night and i learned how to do those little position stickers 
you see on all the cool sites but when i went to see how they look on my pcs screen they looked super off ;-; ;-; i'll probably work out how to fix that tomorrow or tonight if i feel insane enough but for now stickers will be wherever they are sorrryyyy. also learned how to do those cool moving tool tips and those are super super helpful and they'll be very fun to use in blog enteries going forward! i'm starting to feel weirdly self concious about my page now for some reason though,, it just feels a lot more janky and less put together than most of the sites i look up to on here. its a silly sentiment but! hopefully as i learn more i feel more confident in my abilities idk!
also bought some hair rollers and some fancy pomade today :D excited for those to arrive when they do,, it'll be a learning curve but im up to the task! i tried using one of those tube hair wrap things and it did not go well so i felt like an idiot lol. but then i watched the rachel maksy video where shes dunking on them and i felt a lot better tee hee. watched longlegs again last night and i still love it! i dont care what those people on letterboxd say..... it made me weirdly want to rewatch lisa frankenstein which was another movie from this year i adoooooored but i forgot to watch it this afternoon and bash in berlin is starting soonish? so idk if i'll fit it in but i might try... also
watched smackdown live yesterday!! god i love a european ppv that i dont have to say up until 5am for!
super excited for bash in berlin tonight even though the card looks just alright eep. my boy kevin is main eventing though! hes going to lose because cody wins lol is the general vibe recently and i kind of hate it. i wish they tried at all to make it seem possible codys opponent might beat him but they seem more focused on making him seem super strong for his next roman match which is ugh. i still love cody though! he is pure anime protag vibes and he is genuinely super talented in and out of the ring i just get frustrated when it doesnt seem like they're using him properly.... also hoping just a little bit for a kevin heel turn because his heel mic work is insane, anyway rest of the card is pretty okay! looking forward to that mixed tag team match and the womens tag team match! i hope jade and biance get those belts back man.... the cm punk and drew macintyre match looks gay as hell and im so excited. like STRAP MATCH?? they knew what they were doing. the randy and gunther match is going to be exhausting i hate gunther so much all of his matches have all the entertainment value of a plastic bag. anyway i'm very excited! it'll probably be loads of fun even if gunther has a match. definitley going to report back tomorrow with a ppv review!
29/8/24
not doing well today im afraid gang :( had an awful time at the gym today because it was cardio and cardio makes me feel like the most stupid person in the world. also stressed out over my birthday its stupid but im just upset both of my parents are going to be working on the day and im probably going to be in school all day but i don’t know yet because i don’t have my timetable or a general idea of the days or hours im going to be in. even if i do have time off i have no money to do anything or any people to do it with. i feel so stupid for being stressed but i haven’t had a birthday that wasn’t one of the worst days of my life since i was a small kid. it’s just everything im stressed about all the time compounded on one awful day where im expected to be so so happy.
more than anything im scared the music course is going to be awful and im going to be awful. in the least concerning way possible i keep sleeping all day and hoping i don’t wake up. I need to stop listening to claw machine by sloppy Jane before it pushes me over the edge. im stressed and my throat is sore from stopping myself from crying i feel stupid. im going to try and do something for myself tomorrow to make it a better day than today was. still reading penace by the way that was the best part of the day. i read like 50 pages on the bus home.
27/8/24
WOOOOO i'm back!!! the website is so so different looking now! figured out the homepage layout mostly and its looking good! also added some smaller things like sticky back buttons on pages like this one, centered the stickerbook divs a bit better and added a status cafe icon! did not write yesterday cause i was paralyzed by period pains and could barely form sentances, picture of danhausen to your right to illustrate how i was feeling. but i still got loads of the website done! going to be sort of focusing on getting the danhausen shrine in better shape for the next couple days. i don't know exactly how i want it but i'm going to use it as a space to experiment for how i want my shrines to look
also want to add music to the homepage somehow without it doing autoplay and freaking people out cause i hate when i go on other pages and i get jumpscared by music lol anyway one thing at a time! dont want to get too overwhelmed. also my neocites pinterest board is going craaazy. its very nicole dollanganer, coquette,
morute, weird girl vibes which i hope is coming through a bit on the website already ;u;! i really love this sort of picture with all these antique frames and weird little bits and bobs, i need to add more eclectic frame imagery around my page.... i have some ideas for maybe an extended about me page using frames inspired by THE hill house page so maybe i'll do some of that later lol,,, anyway watch this space,,,, the vibes are only going to get stranger and cooler
24/8/24
just got back from a haircut and i feel like shiiitttt. hair looks fine but i went in already feeling overwhelmed and it just kept getting worse :( sensory issues suck i felt like i was going to burst in to tears like four times. listened to so much weyes blood on the way home to calm myself down. i hope i feel better tomorrow cause im hanging out with my friend and i dont like feeling like im making the vibe miserable. did barely any website work today except i did finish backing up all the blinkies... also i did a new update bar yesterday thats fun. also spent like an entire hour making lunch today but it was a bit worth it,,, anyway kind of shit day i just wasn't as productive as yesterday or the day before and that always makes me feel shitty about myself
watching smackdown now and kevin owens :) :) :) also naomi, jade and biancas matching outfits being homages to simone biles is so so genius this match sucks a bit cause i dont like these gay witch people its very forced and im not for it. might try to learn a bit more about flex box tonight as well so i dont feel like the whole day was shot productivity wise. i think when i wash out the curls my hairdresser did i might try and learn how to do those big vintage roller curls,,, been looking at a lot of loulouladuchesse's instagram posts and i just really want my hair to look like that but im so bad at curling my hair ughhhh anyway tommorow is a new day,,,, also i started reading earthlings by sayaka murata! why is she in love with her cousin! and continued reading penance by eliza clark still amazing shes still my favourite author
23/8/24
ohmygodigotsomuchdoneyesterday. all of the pages look completely different because i understand div tags now! everything is now much easier to read as in you can actually see the text on my danhausen shine now lol. also started on the stickerbook! keeping that unpublished until i figure out flexboxes a little more and add a side bar but it’s looking well! also going to spend a load of today backing up the blinkies and stamps I have on here. a good chunk of them are just being connected by tumblr url which isn’t the safest so! i feel at a certain point i am really procrastinating on getting that homepage figured out but i still dont really understand how to do anything more complex than putting two boxes in a row using flex so uhgghhhh.
also i don’t want this to be a glorified updates page until i make a full updates tab so lets talk album release friday because oh my god so many albums came out today!!! the three i was hyped for were Romance by Fontaines D.C., Imaginal Disk by Magdalena Bay and Short n' Sweet by Sabrina Carpenter. the first one i listened to was Short n' Sweet because i was in the gym and needed some poppy bops which she delivered in spades! of course when i heard the first line "Oh, I leave quite an impression Five feet to be exact" i was very afraid she was about to bring up that she was short A LOT but she didnt so it wasn't a problem! i am of course not being hateful against short people last time i measured my height i was 5'3 so! but these tracks were fun and thats exactly what i was hoping for! i loved the singles she released for this, both really witty fun bops and i'm so happy that energy carried through for the rest of the album. i do need to do a couple of relistens i think but my favourite tracks were Bed Chem, Dumb & Poetic, Slim Pickins and Juno
I then listened to Imaginal Disk by Magdalena Bay which i was very excited for! their debut album Mercurial World is one of my favourite albums of all time so i was eagerly waiting for their follow up! i didn't listen to a lot of the singles that were released for this if i'm going to be honest! i liked Death & Romance but neither it or its two follow up singles were total bangers for me so i just didn't listen to them very much! butttttttt the last single they released called That's My Floor was incredible! i played it on repeat over and over again until the albums release! I did my first listen to this on my bus back from the gym and god it was good! it's a lot more chaotic than a lot of their previous projects but it really works. it has this manic energy that really pushes this albums concept and i loveeeee it.
i know there is a bunch of lore surrounding the music videos and some of the creepy hidden stuff you could get via their texts and website but i only looked at it kind of passively without doing a lot of analysis because im a busy gal. = anyway i still think the whole concept of this disk you can insert into your mind to change into a better you is such a fun idea for an album?? i'm interpreting most of these songs from a weird place of knowing half the lore but it still really works in my mind as this story of a woman taking this imaginal disk and going crazy in the process. idk i'll probably read up on the lore on reddit soon but until then it still works either way! i think its only going to hit harder when i listen with the lyrics in front of me, i love magdalena bays production but it can sometimes be hard to hear the lyrics. the lyrics i could pick out were so so gorgeous i can't wait to fully immerse myself in them when i can. also i'm seeing this album live in vicar street next november?? and i can't wait! my favourite tracks were Vampire in The Corner, Watching T.V., That's My Floor, Cry For Me and The Ballad of Matt & Mica
last album is Romance by Fontaines D.C. i listened to this while backing up stamps and blinkies for the stickerbook! and oh my god jesus. i've been reccommended fontaines d.c. about a billion times because i'm from dublin and like music so! but i never got around to listening to much of their stuff because of my weird bias against listening to men sing. so this was my first full experience listening to their work outside of a few singles. i had heard in a video with a music journalist that had gotten an early digital copy that this was the guitar album of the decade so i went in with very high hopes and it still surpassed my expectations! this album feels like youre being eaten alive and the guy whos eating you has a boner and YOU also have a boner. the guitars on this are obviously stellar! and grian chattwns delivery is crazy on all fronts, sonically this is a very strong album. some songs like Here's The Thing have such an intense layer of unease and anxiety they can be hard to listen to. THATS THE CRAZY SHIT I LOVE. This album as well needs a second listen with lyrics in front of me. fontaines d.c.s lyrics can also air on the side of being very literary so i'm really looking forward to sitting down with it a little more!"
anyway very productive day even if its not visible on the website rn! might focus a little more on the homepage tommorrow or not hheheheheh
22/8/24
okay hello!!! this is my first blog post because i wanted to do some work on my page without having to learn more css cause im struggling with it rn!!!! i feel i have a really good grasp on html like im grippin it with both hands but css!! what!!! i also hate that every coding resource is made for like becoming a web developer as a career?? like ugh?? when did we lose the fun in coding?? i dont want to make these sleek ass websites that look like every other website i want to make some gaudy that reflects the inner workings of my soul!!
anyway! currently trying to focus on setting up the homepage in a way that looks kinda nice but eh its hard! but i think once i have it done i'll have all the skills i want to make my other pages and then i can learn little fun bits of javascript and extra css to enhance them,, but its a learning curve whatever when i'm on the other side of it i'll be having fun!
some things i want to focus on specifically rn is 1. a cute layout for the homepage i can use as a base to get to something closer to what i'm going for 2. figure out how fonts work lol i dont get it and i really want to 3. get my danhausen shrine i have half?? setup in a place when you can actually tell whats going on 4. make a sticker book!! i've been making all of these blinkies and stamps and i would really like a place to display them ehehhehe
thats it really! i just wanted to feel i got something done for this website today lol if anyone is reading this and have some good non depressing css resource reccs please send them,,, please,,, anyway heres a pic of me